regret?

it wasn't love from the start and i knew it
and that's the only beginning of the uncertainty.
im thinking i made a mistake,
a very permanent potentially big mistake.
bullocks.

i had a dream about today

i had a mission.

i had to attack teachers who were apparently keeping us hostage.

so armed with a water gun and one real gun, (don't ask)

i attacked the first class successfully.

then i went into the next class and the jap guy from heroes was the teacher.

no idea what was being taught but i saw a whole bumch of ex mg girls..haha

so then when i attacked this class' teachers i ran out of real bullets so i was on the run.

he was chasing me and i had no protection.

i grabbed a long stick, broke it in two and started using it to help me run round the steep turns marked out by trees and barb wire fences.

then i made it to the security guard box (they were good) and asked them for help.

cars drove up and the jap guy was hiding on the back of a van.

the guards tried to fight them off but they only had those batons.

so they died.

i was circled by a group of guys who started to beat me up and i just curled up into a ball and blanked out.

next thing i know, i had a broken nose, a forefinger that was splitting open without a nail and bruises all over.

i was in my old house and was talking friendly to the jap guy and it seemed like he was my brother...

and then a whole bunch of friends came in and asked about my injuries.

i told them "he did it."

and he got upset that i brought it up and 'ratted him out'.

he thought i had gotten over it.

so then i showed them a video of me getting beaten up. (strange cos i could actually see everything like i was actually watching a video)

my mum then called us to go for dinner and it was about 5 plus 6 in the evening. 

i realised i missed meeting jemma for badminton.

so with my broken nose i called her to explain and say sorry.

then i went to mg for the musical and saw pple and i cant really remember what happened after that

all i remember is seeing the stage and the musical had already started but the audience wasnt quietly watching.

then it skips to me in my bathroom with a friend when acid rain started to destroy the blind.

so we ran out and started getting attacked.

okay now its getting fuzzy but it ended up in me my friend her mum my mum running out to the cars trying to get away.

i think i had to go to the plastic surgeon to fix my nose or something like that.

doesnt sound very exciting but i could feel the pain and the fear.

amazing what your brain can do when youre asleep huh? hahaha

anyway i just wanted to record this dream down so i can remember its strangeness.

they grow up so fast...

The Forbidden Fruit Effect

the more you can't have something, the more you want it.


(no sexual connotations intended.)

clammy

i was told i'm like a clam
and that i need to open up more.
it's not the first time i've been told this.
it's just not that easy for me
i create a great facade
a facade that is usually unbreakable unless i choose to crack it,
slightly..
but if someone else starts to crack it for me,
i tense up,
shut down
and shut out.
i pushed too many people away
created too many complications.
it just wasn't right.
i was so confused
it was easier to just ignore.
but ignoring just made it worse.
and that's what i do best,
i ignore.
i don't face things,
i just wait for them to blow over.
and a gale may be blowing on the other side
but because i never resolved it,
everything just starts to build up on top of me.
so as i get crushed,
my defense system retaliates and tries to protect me
putting up a layer after another layer
until i become..
a clam.


but remember,
open clams get eaten.

i finally understand what culture shock means.

SOS

well it's the summer(not like we have any other seasons but follow my point)
immediately you think,
SUMMER BREAK.
PARTIES.
FUN.

but nooooo, all you pple have school.
sigh.
and many have heard my rants already,
and yet still no solutions or escapes.
disappointment much.

so this is an outright plea for schoolgoers(that i know) to drop your books and TAKE ME OUT.
hahaha. yes. laugh at my desperation.
but as you laugh,
pity the desperation as well.

do host house parties.
and do invite me.
please? hahaha